Check With Yourself First

May often symbolizes new beginnings, growth, and awakening of all living things – especially in this part of the hemisphere. For me, this month holds deep personal meaning too. It reminds me of closeness and partnership. Exactly 12 years ago, in May, I met my husband (my forever bestie, the person I grow with every day). And just last week, a big family celebration took place—my brother married his forever bestie 😊.

Inspired by these two moments, I decided to dedicate this month’s articles to interpersonal relationships and communication.

Why? Because regardless of your title, workplace, or country of origin—above all, you’re human. Full of emotions, beliefs, convictions, longings, fears, and experiences that, consciously or not, shape how you connect with others—whether it’s with teams, clients, or your family.

In my coaching practice, clients often come in with a “work issue” that turns out to be a symptom or metaphor for something deeper—something happening in their personal lives. Communication at home, emotional openness, and the way we treat those closest to us are deeply intertwined with how we lead, grow, and evolve professionally.

📌 Improving your relationships—especially with those in your inner circle (your support system)—is the foundation for true, sustainable development. First as a human. Then, inevitably, as a professional.

This is why I decided to talk about communication, listening, (mis)understanding, and how being a better partner makes you a better leader.

Let’s Talk Human Needs

🔍 Before you engage with the outer world, you must practice honest communication with the most important person - yourself. And where better to begin than with your needs?

👉 According to the Human Needs Psychology concept, the key to understanding and changing human behavior lies in our ability to become aware of and manage our own needs. While we’re all unique, our nervous systems function in largely similar ways. That’s why most behavioral patterns are driven by the same six basic human needs:

1. Certainty – need for stability, safety, comfort

2. Variety – need for fun, change, adventure

3. Significance – need for power, prestige, recognition, importance, relevance

4. Love/Connection – need to be loved, accepted, part of something, enough

5. Growth – need to learn, improve skills, explore, discover answers

6. Contribution – need to help and give to others, care for people or a higher purpose

While listed 1 through 6, these needs aren't hierarchical or inter-conditional. What’s important to note is:

• The first four are essential for human survival. They’re the pillars of your personality. You must feel they’re all, at least in part, fulfilled—even if only in your own perception.

• The last two are essential for deeper fulfillment. They are food for your soul and spirit. Not everyone finds a way to meet them—and it’s no surprise that many “successful on paper” people remain unhappy, unfulfilled, and stuck in the pursuit of “more.”

🎯 Your focus shapes your life! At any moment, your attention is usually centered around fulfilling two primary needs. These two largely dictate your behaviors, choices, and decision-making style.

🧠 If your dominant need is certainty, you’re unlikely to leave a job after 10 years to start your own business.🌪 If variety is what drives you, chances are the pandemic was a personal hell 😊.

Same Needs - Different Stories

Although we all share the same six needs, the vehicles we use to habitually meet them are vastly different. These vehicles are largely shaped by your beliefs, subconscious rules, values, and experience. The vehicles can be:

• Destructive – unhealthy, long-term damaging to you or others

• Constructive – healthy, sustainable, and beneficial for both you and your environment

🔁 That means two people with the same primary need may meet it in completely opposite ways.

For example, someone driven by significance might meet that need through mentoring and leading with empathy—earning respect as a trusted leader. Meanwhile, another person with the same need might rely on rigid micromanagement, aggression, and control—mistaking fear-based compliance for respect. But from their perspective, the need still feels satisfied.

⚠️ Watch out for the trap! Any behavior that fulfills three or more needs at once can easily turn into an addiction.

A grim but common example? Gambling.

1. You enter a familiar environment—comfort, predictability, and a known level of risk. → Certainty

2. You feel the thrill of the unknown—will you win or lose? → Variety

3. If you win, you get praise and admiration. If you lose, you gain sympathy and connection. Either way, you get attention. → Significance + Connection

But it’s not all doom and gloom. Self-awareness—of your needs (primary and otherwise), how you meet them, and the subconscious rules you “play by”—is the first step toward consciously reshaping your behavior.

✅ Weekly Exercise

Now that you've explored this concept, it’s time to check with yourself first. Answer these questions—brutally honestly:

• What are your two primary needs right now?

• Through which habits or behaviors are you meeting them? Are they constructive or destructive? Are they helping or harming your relationships—both personal and professional?

• Do you have a habit you want to break but feels impossible? Which needs is this habit fulfilling?