Houston, We Have a (MIS)COMMUNICATION!

Vacation season is approaching, so I think this little story might come in handy. A friend of mine recently went on a trip based on her neighbor’s glowing recommendation:

“The place is amazing, the hotel is beautiful, the food – top-notch!”

Naturally, for that price, what’s there to think about?

Only... when she arrived, the reality was quite different.

The hotel was on a hill – 15 minutes downhill to the beach, 30 minutes uphill to get back. Crowds, noise, kids running around, water splashing everywhere. The alternative, the pool? Good luck even getting there. The food? Tasty, sure – but by the time she got to it, there was nothing left but a bitten off potato.

So, who was right – my friend or the neighbor? The answer: both.

MY WORLD, MY DEFINITIONS

Each of us has our own model of the world – an internal map that shapes how we interpret everything we see, hear, feel, and experience. It’s our perception of the world, our own reality, filtered through our beliefs, emotions, upbringing, culture, language…

That’s why two people can hear the same sentence and walk away with completely different meanings. One hears care, the other hears criticism. One laughs, the other gets offended.

In my friend’s case, both she and her neighbor were “right” – from within their own definitions and perceptions.

The problem arose when my friend assumed that her definitions of “beautiful place” and “nice hotel” were the same as her neighbor’s.

💥 This is where most communication breaks down:

1. We assume others share our model of the world.

2. We believe our model is the “correct” one.

In corporate life, I’ve often witnessed scenes where a manager gives feedback to an employee: “This needs improvement. Make it nice. It should look right and professional. You know what I mean."

It sounds assertive, confident… and absolutely vague.

🎯 The result? Classic 0 : 0.

• The employee feels frustrated – to them, it already looks right.

• The manager gets the task back for the second time (or even for the third time) still not looking right.

Why? Because we use the same words but from different models of the world. "Looking right" means different things to different people – to one is aesthetically pleasing, to another functional, to a third brand-aligned. But in this particular case, it was not agreed what looking right will mean.

👉 Here’s the big secret: Communication is not what we say – it’s what the other person understands.

SO, ASK. DON’T ASSUME

✅  After you say something – ask if they understood.

✅  Observe whether their actions align with your message.

✅  Clarify if needed. Ask: “Would it help if I gave an example? A visual? A step-by-step?”

✅  And when you’re on the receiving end – don’t leave the conversation until definitions and expectations are clear – who, what, when, why…

✨ Clarity doesn’t fall from the sky. It’s built – through interaction.

And the more diverse the environment, the more different the models of the world…...the less likely it is that “we all know how things should be.”

BUT AT HOME, IT’S NOT LIKE THAT… RIGHT?

Funny thing – in our personal lives, we often assume that we share the same model of the world with our partner. No one says their definitions out loud, but everyone expects to be understood. Because, well – it’s love, right?

And if we’ve been together long enough, what’s left to learn?

Still, the arguments revolve around the same themes, same sentences, same scenes.

We think we’ve agreed… and magically, 3 to 6 months later – boom. Same conflict, new packaging.

Why? Because even in love, the terms may be the same, but the models of the world are not. We may have similar views, beliefs, and values about the general direction we want our life together to take. But each of us grew up in a different family, culture, with different experiences, expectations, and traumas. Even when we speak the same language and use the same words – the definitions we carry within us are not the same.

Your “support” isn’t his “support.” Your “clean” is not her “clean.” Even in the same situation.

You might have grown up seeing love as shown through gifts, gestures, or touch. Your partner might interpret love as quiet presence, deep talks, or logistics.

SO, WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR YOU IN PRACTICE?

If you want clear communication – start with yourself.

Hopefully, you did last week’s exercise and got better acquainted with your needs. If not, head back to last week’s newsletter issue and start there.

The next step is to unpack your definitions, rules, perceptions, and projections. Because once you’re aware of them, you can change them – and only then can others understand you more clearly.

✍️ EXERCISE FOR THIS WEEK

❤️ Personal version: Your Rules for Love & Relationships

1. What are your personal definitions and rules for what a “relationship” means?

2. What needs to happen for you to feel loved?

3. What if that doesn’t happen?

4. Are your rules fair and clear – for both you and your partner?

5. How clearly have you expressed and shared those rules?

6. Whose model (parents, movies, society) shaped your beliefs?

7. What might shift in your relationship if you changed just one rule?

💼 Business version: Your Rules for Work, Professionalism & Success

1. What are your personal definitions and rules for what “fast,” “a good worker,” or “professional behavior” means?

2. Do you expect others to follow those rules – even if you never said them out loud?

3. Are those expectations realistic across different people, teams, and contexts?

4. Are your rules flexible, or always “either-or” ?

5. What would change in your team or organization if these “invisible rules” were openly discussed?

The questions are the same, whether for personal or professional life – only the context (and maybe the emotions) change.

It takes courage to ask yourself.

And even more to answer honestly.